Dear Therapist: My husband’s best friend annoys me so much. I’ve really tried to be patient with him because I know how much my husband loves him but almost everything he does irks me. He is very proactive about wanting to hang out, he’s dating someone new and is excited for us all to hang out with consistency. I really am trying to be kind here but I’m bummed every time we have to see them. His humor is childish, I don’t like the restaurant or bars he recommends we go to, I’m not into the same movies, literally everything! What do you do in this situation? I don’t plan to cut him out of my husband’s life, but can I cut him out of mine? (too harsh???)Frame Therapist Sherlyn Frank weighs in...
Let me start by saying that you are entitled to your feelings and that your ability to keep your husband, and his feelings in mind, is commendable. However, as his wife, you are entitled to feel differently about his best friend. He irks you and despite your best efforts, and love for your husband, you cannot enjoy your time together.
In relationships, we make sacrifices for the one’s we love but you are also under no obligation to spend time with someone that irks you. While you may not always share the same interests, this is your husband’s best friend not yours.
Have you shared your thoughts and feelings with your husband? Is it important to your husband that you join him and his best friend on couple’s dates? Can your husband make suggestions for restaurants and bars? Have you thought about being proactive and making recommendations?
The love and care that you have for your husband is evident. If the feelings are mutual, as his wife, he will also want you to feel excited and comfortable spending time with him and his best friend; it should be enjoyable for you, too!
It may be difficult to share your feelings about your husband’s best friend and his interests, but you can only suppress your true feelings for so long before they come out in anger and frustration. Write down how you feel about spending time with his best friend. This would give you an opportunity to clarify and filter your thoughts before talking to your husband.
About the Therapist: Sherlyn Frank is a Clinical Social Worker licensed in New York and California with over 25 years of experience specializing in treating high functioning professional women with anxiety and depression. She is currently seeing adult clients as part of a group practice in Southern California while she transitions to private practice.
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